Crowd Control Made Easy: The Riot Slimer

Posted on May 2, 2006

The search for a new, non-lethal tool to use on unruly crowds of people has reached a new high: the enterprising scientists at the Southwest Research Institute in San Antonio, Texas, have applied for a patent on the new Riot Slimer, which allows police or troops to spray non-toxic goo all over a crowd, causing them to slip and fall on their behinds.

A report in New Scientist explains that riot police would wear a back pack with three cylinders. The cylinders contain compressed air, water and polyacrylamide powder. A shower-head like nozzle would blasts two separate jets containing the water and powder at the unruly crowd. The mix creates a slimy substance that causes everyone to fall down and makes it very difficult for them to get back up again. The idea is that the worst that would happen to the unruly mob is that there could be a "few bruised bottoms." And some ruined clothing perhaps?

So, let's get this straight: next time the Sunnis start rioting, we just slime them. All we need to add is some Benny Hill music, some pie-throwing Special Forces and we'll have solved the Iraq problem. The scientists may want to check and make sure Nickelodeon does not already own this slimy patent.