Joe Millionaire, Episode 4: A Night in the Hot Tub

Posted on January 27, 2003

Our fearless faux hero, Evan Marriot, returns from Paris minus one redhead and heads back to the chateau for some serious one on one time with the remaining bachelorettes. After last week's episode which should have been subtitled: Paris Tourist Traps in the Off-Season, I wasn't sure if this reality show had any more life in it. But I was wrong. The excitement is back as the remaining four girls each have a solo date with Evan.

First up is Sarah, the tall blond. Sarah and Evan jump on some of the oldest looking bicycles in the Loire valley and head off to a nearby vineyard for a wine tasting. Obviously, Evan wasn't paying attention in wine class with butler Paul Hogan --- instead of tasting each of the numerous wines and spitting the rest out, he drank every last drop! Of every glass! Of every wine offered! The producers (of course!) found a vineyard owner who only spoke French, so any cautionary words no doubt got translated into "Drink Up!" After powering down quite a bit of the bubbly, the tipsy duo somehow managed to ride their bikes back to the chateau, and ditch the camera man for some outdoor canoodling. They may have ditched the camera, but they sure didn't ditch the soundman. To assist the audience in imagining what Evan and Sarah were doing in the darker regions of the estate grounds, the producers provided Batman-like captions: "Shhhh"...."Ahhhh"..."Slurp"... "Giggle".... This date went well, no question.

Next up is Melissa's cooking date with Evan in the chateau's cavernous kitchen. This was an unqualified disaster. Melissa can't cook. I'm not sure she could even boil water. For the first time, butler Paul Hogan actually looked impressed when Evan looked like he might know how to cook. While getting out pasta, he told Melissa to find some olive oil and garlic (always a promising start to meal, I say). Melissa mistook garlic for onions, then proceeded to burn both the meat and the saut�ed mushrooms. Evan overcooked the pasta. Then she told him how awful the food was. He was not amused. Still, she really fills out a bikini top...but I am getting ahead of myself. This date was anything but fun or romantic.

Next on the menu is the mysterious Zora. Zora got a good date -- no slaving away in the kitchen for her! She and Evan rode horses to a gazebo where they had a picnic. Evan said being with Zora was like being in a Disney movie, so the film editors complied with some hilarous touches of bunnies, birds and deer all seeming to join in the fun. Zippety doo dah! The couple then headed off to the hot tub, but the other three girls crashed the party. Evan's eyes nearly came out of his head when Melissa leaned towards him. Enough said. I do think that Evan really likes Zora. But we'll see. She told him she still hasn't unpacked.

The last date was one of the best examples of misreading someone else's body language that I've ever seen. The bold and confident Mojo totally overplayed her hand. Now we know that Evan is not an intellectual, right? He's into beer and hanging out at Hooters, not sipping green tea at a poetry slam. But Mojo ruined their fun evening of taking fencing lessons by whipping out a heartfelt poem which mentions the M word: marriage. Then she gives him a puzzle to do. He's looking seriously worried by this point, and very stressed at the idea of assembling a puzzle on television. The puzzle turned out to be a glamour shot of Mojo, with the caption: "I choose you!" Then she determinedly starting reading aloud yet more poetry about their future together, but he kissed her quickly to shut her up. Who got the boot and missed out on the ruby necklace? You guessed it -- the Mojo.