Saddam Hussein: Ready For His Closeup

Posted on February 28, 2003

After the presidential election debacle of 2000, some people were hoping that Dan Rather's career was about to end in retirement. His bizarre comments during the night-long presidential election circus elicited confusion from media and viewers alike. Always known for his odd behavior and strange bucolic expressions over the years, Rather outdid himself on Election Eve. (Sample commentary: "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun." "This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach." "We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition." "Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon." And my personal favorite: "Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder.")

It hasn't helped that the CBS nightly news has been dead last in the ratings ever since he booted out co-anchor Connie Chung, years ago. But the veteran news reporter has redeemed himself last night with the scoop of the year that puts all the younger aspiring news anchors to shame: a live, uncensored interview with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

According to his ex-mistress of thirty years, Parisoula Lampsoss, Saddam Hussein is a complex man. He loves scotch whiskey, the music of Frank Sinatra, a good Gazelle steak, American films, especially the Godfather trilogy, and administering a thorough beating to his wayward mistresses. He is very concerned with his appearance, dying his hair jet black, wearing custom-made Western style suits and worrying about his weight. He enjoys a good Cuban cigar, and showing off his dancing skills to traditional Arab music. He also takes Viagra and is a germophobe who requires visitors to have their clothing laundered, sterilized and x-rayed before meeting him. He worried about being a good father, and so faithfully took his son, Uday (pronounced you'-die), to watch torture sessions when Uday was but a little tyke (now that's what I call some good father-son quality time). Uday is known to have committed multiple rapes and murders and is regarded with terror by most of the populace -- I can't imagine what would have made him turn out that way. His antics got so out of control that Saddam attempted to have him assassinated; he's now in a wheelchair as a result of the botched attempt.

One would think that Saddam must have some kind of evil, overpowering charisma, given the fact that he rose from poverty to the top of the Baath party, to being the sole ruler of all of Iraq. He must be intelligent to have risen so far. Yet some of his actions seem incredibly stupid, such as his invasion of Kuwait and his flouting of various U.N. resolutions over the years. So how would Saddam come across in the interview: as an evil mastermind? a lunatic? a charismatic politician?

Conducted in Baghdad in one of the twenty restored presidential palaces, the interview featured Rather, Hussein and two Iraqi translators sitting at a small table, with tiny porcelain cups of coffee to provide sustenance for the grueling, three-hour interview. Now you've got to give Dan Rather credit: he's a brave man. He didn't pull any punches at all with his questions. Saddam seemed relaxed and confident. He does not have a melodious speaking voice. And although it's hard to tell because I don't speak Arabic, it did seem as if he might be a compelling and emotional speaker in his own language, who uses a lot of metaphor and poetic stylings. He invokes Allah and the honor of the Iraqi people a great deal. He speaks using the royal "we". He is a raving megalomaniac, telling Rather repeatedly that he was elected by 99.6% and 100% of the vote in the last two elections, respectively. And he is an amazingly adept spin doctor. Here are some of the gems to emerge from the interview:

-Iraq did not lose the Gulf War. His troops did retreat with bombs being dropped on them, but it was their choice. (How's that for some spin for the home crowd?)
-He will never go into exile and anyone who even suggests such a thing (hint, hint, Saudi Arabia) is an immoral person who is insulting the people of Iraq.
-He is not, repeat not jealous of Osama bin Laden. "Jealousy is for women; men should not be jealous of each other." (If looks could kill, Rather would have been a smoking pile of debris after he asked this question. Clearly, Osama's popularity in the Arab world makes him pea-green with envy. )
-He wants to debate President Bush via satellite television, for the entire world to hear. And, no he is not joking -- "we don't joke about war." He sounded eminently reasonable as he made this request. (Of course, the chances of this debate happening are as remote as Saddam suddenly becoming shy of having his portrait painted.)
-He only wants peace and is not in violation of U.N. Resolution 1441, despite what Hans Blix says.
-In the event of a war, he will not set fire to Iraq's oilfields, but the Americans might do that and then blame it on him.

After one especially annoying question when he was clearly about to lose his temper (remember, Saddam is usually never seen to be asked direct questions by anyone -- it's disrespectful) Saddam said he had to leave to "go pray". He left for 15 minutes, presumably to execute some hapless servant to calm himself down, then reappeared, once again in control of his emotions. When he started to get upset again, he picked up what looked like a Sanford Uni-ball felt-tipped pen and twirled it in his fingers.

One thing that emerged from the interview was that Saddam really seems to worry about what the American people think of him. He asked Rather some tough questions about American opinion, to which Rather replied, "Mr. President, I don't think you're going to like my answers." The translators looked terrified. Me? I just think Dan Rather was lucky to get out of the palace alive.